Gaara is still a Fat Raccoon
by xxmisfit121
Summary: Sequel to Gaara the Fat Raccoon For some reason, Tsunade's jutsu didn't make Gaara turn back into a human as fast as it was suppose to. And of corse, Naruto's found the amulet that turns people into animals and only horror can come from that. Crack
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yes... I am once again, starting a new story before I've finished any of my other ones... -.- Shut up and enjoy the program**

**BTW! THIS IS A SEQUAL! IF YOU HAVNT READ THE FIRST PART ALREADY, YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND THIS!!! SO GO READ IT!! NOW!!!**

**(it's called Gaara The Fat Raccoon)**

**I don't own anything **

* * *

A loud crash came from down stairs in the first floor of their relatively good sized apartment house. Kankuro stood in the hallway, ready to attack the intruder. He looked over the railing that guarded the edge of the balcony, down at the hallway below. He knew this was a much better idea than trying to look through the bars like he'd done the night before. There was no way to get your head stuck this way.

He walked stealthily toward the stairway, pushing his body against the wall as he went. About half way down the stairs, he tripped, fell but tried to make it look like a James Bond roll to make himself feel better. He stood up and waved his weapon, a soup ladle, near his head, ready to attack.

The light was on in the kitchen. He narrowed his eyes and walked quietly over toward the door. When he was about halfway there, he accidently stepped on a rubber hamburger that made a loud squeaking noise.

Kankuro froze and looked around hastily. When he was sure the cost was clear, he proceeded toward the kitchen. Once he was about one foot from the door, he pressed himself against the wall and looked sideways through the door.

_Target is in sight..._

He waited. And waited. And waited. The perfect moment was coming. Almost there. Almost there. Almost. Not yet. Not yet. Almost there....

"Spatula! ATTACK!" He jumped through the door and into the kitchen and threw his "spatula" (soup ladle) at a fluffy red raccoon sitting on the counter, eating out of a tub of ice-cream. (and just so you know, that wasn't the perfect moment for throwing it)

The raccoon screeched as it his his head and proceeded to fall on the floor.

"What the hell! That was a friggen soup ladle! Get your kitchen utensils straight, damn it!" it yelled at him. "And quit throwing things at me!"

Kankuro suddenly understood his mistake. "Sorry, I thought you were an intruder..."

"Yes. I know. The same thing happened last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. And basically all of the last three weeks!" the raccoon glared at him angrily. Actually... I'm pretty sure that if you clicked this story, you know the raccoon is Gaara so... _Gaara_ glared at him angrily.

He jumped down from the counter, his collar making a little jingly noise cause it's a jingly collar with a little jingle bell attached to it so it's all jingly... SQUEE! He started to make his way to the door, his ears flattened angrily.

"Wait! I hear something smash. What'd you break?" Kankuro asked, jumping in front of the door to block him from leaving.

Gaara looked up at him, with wide eyes. "Nothing," he answered hastily.

Kankuro looked at him suspiciously. "But I heard-"

"You didn't hear anything," he cut him off.

"No I definitely heard-" he was cut off again.

"You heard nothing!" Gaara ran past him and hastily made his way upstairs. The whole time, his collar making a jingly noise cause it's a jingly collar.

Kankuro was still suspicious.

* * *

Meanwhile... In Konoha...

"HOLY OH MY GOD! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I FOUND!!!" Naruto screamed as he ran into the training field. His, rather unfortunate, team mates where standing there looking irritated with each-other's general existence. Well... actually... Sakura was annoyed with Naruto for existing who was annoyed with Sasuke for being born who was annoyed with Sakura for attempting to rape him. But then again that seemed to be her purpose for existing so he was really just annoyed with her existence. Yea... Back to the story.

"ITACHI!?" Sasuke ran up to him with a hopeful yet homicidal look on his face, grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him up much too close to his face. "Tell me you found Itachi!"

"Um... no..." Naruto carefully detached Sasuke's hands from his shirt, pushed him away slightly, pat him on the head and then took a few careful steps back. Sasuke hung his head sadly and then went back to his tree that he'd been leaning on. Wait? Did I mention he was leaning on a tree? Oh... well.. he was. He continued pretending to be bad-ass while Naruto... didn't...

"C'mon guess what I found! Guess! GUESS!!!" He demanded.

"You 'found', stole, that amulet from the story previous to this that turns you into an animal?" Sakura guessed.

"No. What made you say that?" Naruto said, confused.

"That..." Sakura pointed at the green and gold amulet hanging around his neck and the fox ears and tail that were now a part of him.

Naruto looked at the amulet and then at the tail and then pulled a mirror from god knows where and looked at the ears. "Whoa... I was just gonna tell you I finally found that corn-dog I lost last christmas... "

"Like, Oh my Gosh, when did those get there?" Sasuke asked. "That is just... Just... Scary, bitch. Like oh my gosh, I like can't even take it. That's like almost as bitchin' as I am,"

"I know! It is so sick!" Naruto screamed.

"No... No it isn't..." Sakura said cause she's lame.

Naruto glared at her. "Well then if it's so lame, then how would you like it if I were to touch you with it?"

"I'd be pissed. Cause it's lame. I think we've established this already," she said in the lamest way possible.

"Oh yea? Well... Well... Yo mama is so fat, that... she's... fat! So ha!" was Naruto's amazing come back.

"Oh! Wait! I've got a better one!" Sasuke jumped up and down like a spaz, "Um... Yo Momma is so ugly that she... uh..." Sasuke started thinking. "Uh... Um... she's uh...." he sat down on the ground and tried to think of something cool to say. "UHG! C'mon you stupid brain! Work!" he started pounding his fists against the sides of his head.

"Don't strain yourself! You know what happened last time you tried to think of a good idea!" Sakura warned him.

"No! I can do it! She... Uh... she uh... uh.. She... AUGH!" He held his now aching head in his hands and pulled him self into fetal position.

"Just say that-" Sakura tried to give him an idea.

"No! I can do this alright? Just stop, stop with your words and let me do this on my own, okay? Gosh, your such a bitch sometimes..." He yelled at her.

While you were distracted by Sasuke's stupidity, Naruto touched them both with the amulet and then ran into the village.

* * *

And while you were reading about the lamest team ever, the super awesome sauce ninja of awesome, Kankuro, solved the super hard mystery of what the immature Gaara broke.

**Wait a minute... Kankuro, did you write this? **

"Maybe...."

**-.-**

Anyway. Kankuro found a smashed lamp on the floor. The lamp was ugly, twas an ugly lamp. But this ugly lamp was worth 9.5 trillion dollars so he was kind of in trouble. Kind of. Just a bit.

"GAARA!!! GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE!!!" He yelled much louder than was actually necessary.

* * *

While Gaara was getting in trouble, Temari was taking her morning shower. Suddenly, she looked at the body wash. It was gel, a red gel. It reminded her of that red candy goo that came out of a tube thing. She knew it didn't taste like it. She knew it tasted like soap. She knew it wasn't at all sweet gooey candy goo. But for some reason, it looked delicious. In her mind, she could see herself eating it and having it taste like candy, but she knew it wouldn't taste right. She knew it would taste like soap. But it was goo, red goo.

She stared at the bottle in wonder for a few minutes, trying to decide if she should try it or not. She knew it wouldn't taste like candy, she knew this very well...

_-a few moments later-_

"Oh! God! Bleh! ew! What the hell is wrong with me?!" she spat repeatedly in attempt to get the soapy taste out of her mouth. "Oh god! Oh man! AUGH! Bleh! ew ew ew ew.... eeeeeeeeew....."

She turned off the water, got out of the shower, got dressed and pretended it never happened.

She went down stairs and saw Gaara clinging to Kankuro's face, scratching him violently.

"Stop!" She yelled. "Stop it! STOP IT!"

No one heard her. She picked up a megaphone from a nearby table and turned it on. "STOP THE VIOLENCE OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!!" She screamed as she threw the megaphone at Kankuro's head. (I bet you were expecting her to yell through it weren't you?) It made a loud, annoying high-pitched noise which hurt everyone's ears and made Gaara jump off Kankuro's face.

"What is going on here?" Temari yelled.

"Gaara broke the lamp!" Kankuro yelled as he pointed at the fluffy raccoon with the jingly collar.

"Yea well Kankuro broke my spirt! He crushed! Crushed it into little pieces that bled bright red blood while I cried deep black tears, like ink, that would forever stain my soul. And now my heart is just an empty abyss that houses a terrible demon that feeds on my horrible horrible life. Angst! Emo! Angst!" Gaara ended his speech with a single tear of sorrow and misery.

"Yea, I don't know how to respond to that..." She just looked at him.

"HE BROKE THE REALLY EXPENSIVE LAMP!!!!" Kankuro yelled. "I've already decided that he will get,"

The camera zoomed way in on his face and the light went all weird and scary music played as he dramatically said, "_The punishment_,"

"Really? For an ugly lamp that we didn't even pay for and can't sell to anyone?" She looked at him in disbelief.

"Yes!" :D

"Really?"

"Yes! This is the third thing this week he's smashed and I am tired of it! Do you hear me mister? I am very disappointed in you!" He yelled at Gaara.

"Aww, but he didn't mean it," She bent down and picked him up and held him next to her face. They both made puppy faces at him.

"You've always gotta take his side!" He crossed his arms "What about MY feelings, huh? Why don't I ever matter?"

"Because, your the middle child. That's how it goes," She said simply. "The oldest is the awesome one who's awesome at everything, the youngest is the angsty one who gets spoiled and is never blamed for anything and the middle child gets ignored and beat up by both their younger and older siblings. It's how life works,"

"But either way he gets _the punishment!_" everything went dramatic again when he said the last two words in that sentence.

Temari sighed, "I'll go call her," and she went into the kitchen to get the phone.

"YES!" Kankuro celebrated as he left the room. When he came back, he had a small cage lined with a blanket.

"No! NO! I promise I'll be good!" Gaara begged..... hm... 'Gaara begged'... Never thought I'd use those words in the same sentence in that order...

"Oh yes! YES!" Kankuro laughed evilly for a few minutes and then cleared his throat. "And besides it's only for one day,"

"No! I won't do it!" Gaara started to back away with his ears flattened.

Kankuro picked up the squeaky toy off the floor. "Hey! Hey! You want this? You want it?" he said as though he was talking to a dog.

Gaara's eyes lit up and followed it wherever it went. "Go get it!" Kankuro threw it into the cage and Gaara chased after it. Kankuro shut the door to the cage and locked it.

Gaara realized what had just happened. "No! No! PLEASE! NO! PLEASE! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry! The lamp practically broke on it's own! It wasn't completely my fault, I mean gravity helped too, right?! Oh come on! I didn't mean to pee on Temari's fan, it just happened!"

Temari suddenly walked into the living room as she heard this. "You pissed on my fan!?" she looked very very very very very very very very very very very very mad.

"Um... no..." He tried to look innocent, but it didn't really work.

Just then the doorbell rang. Kankuro answered it and revealed the world's most ultimate fangirly spaztastic horror.

Matsuri.

* * *

**A/N: WOO! I actually love writing these stupid stories it's so much more fun than writing angsty crap... And most of this is actually based on the stupid crap I've done in my life actually. xD **

**Like... the fork named spoon in the last one. I actually at one point had a fork named spoon that I kept in my purse until he broke. :( **

**And the really messed up version of "We Will Rock You" was something me and my friends made up during lunch cause for whatever reason we felt like making really stupid freestyle. xD**

**And the thing with the body-wash... I think that's self explanatory... I for some reason was really stupid and thought it would taste like that candy gel and ate like a giant glob of it. don't ask, i still don't know...**

**Also, I should be able to update this story faster cause it doesn't take a lot of thought. Though... the original "Gaara the fat Raccoon" story was never suppose to be crack xD It was originally suppose to be cute and fluffy but... it just.. didn't happen. xD **

**okay yea. I plan to update within a week. plan to. that's not guaranteed, but I'll try**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Alright... so that "im going to update in a week" thing didn't work. at all.. um... heh heh... *shoves story in yo face* READ!! *runs away***

**I don't Own Naruto**

* * *

Gaara sat in the little pet-carrier cage that was for some reason called a "pet taxi" and had a little picture of a happy cat and dog printed on the top. Yes. That cat and dog are very happy because they are _outside_ of the cage. The raccoon on the inside of the cage is not happy at all. He was in fact rather angry.

"Stupid pet taxi..." he growled. "I hate you... I hate you so much,"

"Who are you talking to, Gaara-chan?" asked his fangirl student thing, Matsuri, that was carrying him to her house.

"Don't call me that! I'm still your teacher and you will address me as such!" he yelled.

"No. You _were_ my teacher. Now I'm a genin, and your a powerless talking raccoon in a cage," She smirked.

"Oh yeah? Well your just an orphaned filler character with a crappy background story!!" Gaara shot back.

"Yeah well your outfit clashes with your hair!" she spat at him.

He gasped. "That hurt, dude..."

"Sorry, Gaara-chan..."

Gaara's lower eyelid twitched and he suddenly desperately wished that he had his sand powers back. Why he'd lost them in the first place, though, he didn't understand. **(it's cause he's fun to torture)**

* * *

"Touch!"

Naruto pressed the magical amulet of infinite wonders (yes that's what we're calling it now) against Shikamaru's skin. Then did the same to Chouji and screamed, "Touch!"

Then he touched Ino's arm and screamed, yep you guessed it, "TOUCH!"

All of them looked completely confused as they watched him run away wildly, laughing hysterically with fox ears and a furry orange tail flowing behind him. He ran through the village streets like a spaz, knocking over every object and human in his path, the whole time cheering and screaming like he was at a rock concert.

They stood there in silence for a moment.

"What the heck was that?" Chouji asked, slowly.

"I... Don't... know..." Shikamaru responded.

They just stared after him and watched as he chaotically destroyed the streets until he was out of site. Then came the next horror that would rudely infiltrate their lives.

Sasuke and Sakura ran up to them, looking rather irritated. Well... Sakura did. Sasuke forgot to stop and ran into Shikamaru and Ino, who failed to catch him. This short chain of events eventually resulted with an emo kid on the ground.

Sasuke pushed himself up off the ground and dusted him self off, looking rather insane, and stood next to Sakura again.

"What're you two-" Ino was cut off.

"Where's Naruto!" Sakura screamed.

That was when they realized that the two in front of them were not normal anymore. (Well team 10 sure is observant today)

Sasuke had sprouted long black feathers that were covering his arms and had a feathery tail protruding from between the back of his shirt and pants. Sakura had pink cat ears and a cat tail. (Yea, she doesn't get a good description)

While they were taking this all in, Sasuke lost his patience and screamed, "WHERE IS HE!"

"Uh... He went that way..." Shikamaru pointed down the street.

The two mutants freak things ran down the street, running into and pushing over everything that had just been cleaned up from Naruto's rampage. This upset the unimportant background characters. But no one cares about them.

* * *

Meanwhile...

"Okay. This show doesn't even make sense," Gaara commented. They'd watched about half of an episode by now and Gaara was utterly unconvinced that none of the stories were true.

"What are you talking about? It makes perfect sense!" Matsuri defended.

"Well I think they're either lying or in denial," Gaara stated.

"No they're not," She argued back.

"Well then they're just stupid!" He said.

"No they're not! Now be quiet the shows back..." she shushed him as the second half of an episode of _'I didn't know I was pregnant'_ came back.

Gaara sighed in exasperation and jumped down from the couch.

"Wait. We're you going?" She called after him.

"Somewhere where I don't have to watch stupid women give birth on the toilet thinking it's just a giant crap," he called back.

* * *

During the time in which you were reading about Gaara and his fangirl watching awkward health shows, team InoShikaCho realized why Sasuke and Sakura were so incredibly mad. Within a few minutes, they had painfully grown strange animal features.

Shikamaru had dear antlers protruding from the front of his head and a fluffy white bobbed tail. Chouji had antenna coming out of his forehead and Ino had fleshy, pointed pig ears and a long thin, somewhat curly, tail.

They had joined Sakura and Sasuke in hunting down the annoying orange brat and were looking for him spastically all over the village. They were running all over the place in a very careless and angry fashion. Things were tipped over and destroyed, people were hurt, and havoc was made. Ah... what fun times... Even Shikamaru was running. Willingly. On purpose. Without whining.

They'd split up and were running all over individually, desperately trying to find and strangle Naruto. Oh how he would pay for what he'd done.... Turning ninjas into furries. HOW COULDD HE?! That bastard....

(yeah that was me trying to make this chapter 1,000+ words but still end it in this spot)

* * *

**A/N: WOO! Next chapter, Naruto increases the size of the mob that wants to kill him and Gaara... um... Well... He's just kind of being tortured until it's the right point in the story for the part of this story when he becomes truly important. Heh. xD**

**So! Review...**

**If you've never watched the show "I didn't know I was Pregnant" then you probably might not get what was going on with that part. And if you couldn't at least vaguely figure out what it's about from the title, then you probably might not be very intelligent. **

**It's highly amusing to watch if you haven't. Obviously, it's about women who don't know their pregnant, go full term without realize it and then go into labor. Usually they either go to the hospital or have the baby in the toilet thinking their constipated. lol**

**Oh how smart America is...**

**Anyway. REVIEWS THAT ARE NOT FLAMES MAKE ME HAPPY! (if your planning on flaming, hit the back button and screw off. It just makes you look dumb)**

**Oh and sorry for the shortness of this chapter. There's nothing really else that I wanted to happen here. I wanted the chase to be in a chapter of it's own.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just Lost the Game...**

**

* * *

**

Naruto ran through the streets of Konoha, smashing every object he could find. There was always money inside them. Or sometimes there'd be a healing potion or a chakra-up pill. Sometimes, though, there'd only be some stupid useless crystal or a vase. What the hell is a vase doing inside of a barrel on top of a building?! And more importantly, why can't I change the camera angle while in the city!

Oh wait, this is fanfiction, not Ultimate Ninja 4. Um... Scratch that last part.

Naruto was running through Konoha's streets, laughing hysterically with a bushy yellow-orange tail flowing out behind him. His feet and hands had also changed into paws, so his shoes had been taken off and dropped somewhere.

By now he had touched every ninja in the village that was important with the Magical Amulet of Infinite Wonder. We'll call it MAoIW for short. Each of them had begun to feel the side effects by now. The ones that had actually grown new appendages were currently chasing him.

Naruto felt nothing of it. He found it extremely amusing. It was the biggest prank he'd ever pulled. Eventually it came to him being chased by Sasuke, who had black feathers growing out of his arms and a short, black, feathery tail, Sakura, who had pink cat ears and a long thin tail, Ino, now sporting fleshy pig ears and a worm-like tail (ha, poor Ino), Chouji, who had antennae, and Shikamaru, who had antlers and a bobbed white, fluffy tail.

Later they were joined by Tenten, who had black rings around her eyes (omg it's Gaara) and black, bear-like ears, Neji, who was in similar condition to Sasuke only with brown feathers, Lee, who hadn't been touched and was just running because he thought this was all a game, Hinata, who now had mouse ears and a long wiry tail, Shino, who also had antennae, and Kiba, who had brown, semi-floppy dog ears and a fluffy tail. Hinata was only chasing Naruto because she liked stalking him and it was just easier this way.

He ran through many obstacles by tipping over various large objects in attempt to stop them, because trying to shake them was the fun part. However they were all ninjas, which he apparently forgot, and dodged everything. When he realized that jumping on rooftops was no issue for them (you're a genius, Uzumaki) he decided he would try something more fun.

Naruto ran out of the gates of the village and led the mob of people into the hidden leaf forest. Well most of them. Shikamaru stopped at the gate. He was FAR too lazy for this type of thing. He yelled;

"Screw you guys! I'm going home..." and then walked about three feet before passing out in the streets.

Naruto's paws flew over the earth, the claws at the tips digging up bits of dirt as he went. He ran for quite a long time, until it grew dark and he decided he needed to rest.

He did the proper hand signs, and then disappeared into a puff of smoke. The angry mob of mutant ninja-furies stopped and looked around for a minute before Sasuke decided they needed a plan. He also decided he was going to make up the plan and be the leader because he was _obviously_ the only adequate ninja there.

"Okay, like, here's what we do," he started. And then the scene trails off because I want it to seem like a cliff hanger. When in reality, I'm making this up as I go along and don't have a clue what his plan will be. :D

* * *

Naruto sat in a tree, trying to catch his breath. He smirked the whole time. _This is going to be so awesome..._

_

* * *

_

Gaara got to come back home, finally. He was happy that he was no longer in the custody of _her _and was able to do what he wanted again_. _He decided to use this privilege in the most EPIC fricken way possible by-

EATING. MORE. ICE CREAM.

Unfortunately, that was a very bad idea and he threw up all over the floor. As it turns out, raccoons are lactose intolerant.

Now, he was sitting on the couch. Alone. With nothing to do....

3... 2... 1...

"TEMARI!!!" He yelled as loud as he possibly could. He waited a whole 2 and a half seconds before calling her again.

"TEMARI!!!!"

There was still no response.

"TEM-"

"What?!" came a loud yell from upstairs.

"I'm really bored!" he told her.

There was a moment of silence before her awesome response came. "WHAT?"

"I said, I'M REALLY BORED!" he repeated, this time louder.

"What?" she still didn't understand him.

Gaara sighed, exasperated. "COME HERE!!"

She apparently could somehow hear this and walked out of the bathroom. She descended the stairs and walked into the living room. She had her hair down, pulled back away from her face with a blue bandana and was wearing a pair of old glasses rather than her contacts. (Yes she wears contacts. Don't even lie. You know she does)

"What?" She growled with aggravation.

"I'm bored. Fix it," he said plainly.

"Gaara, I'm trying to take a shower right now," she told him.

"Well, you're not doing a very good job of it," he pointed out. _Really? What is she doing in the living room if she's trying to take a shower?_

Temari just glared at him for a long moment. "Please just let me get back to what I was doing,"

Gaara whined. "But I'm BOOOORED...."

"Oh well,"

Gaara continued to whine. "Ehhhhhhh..."

"No," she had a very bored look on her face.

"ehhhh!!!" he whined at her loudly.

"No, Gaara," she turned to leave. "Now I'm going to take a shower,"

"EHHHH!!!!" he whined even louder.

"Go find something to do outside or something!" she told him, walking away.

Gaara growled as he watched his sister disappear back upstairs. Eventually he took her advice and went outside into the icy desert night air. Thankfully, he was covered in fluff, and some newly acquired lard, and it didn't bother him.

* * *

Naruto's plan was being set in motion. He'd caught his breath and, because he's an anime character and as we all know anime characters have no need for bodily functions, was not in the least bit tired. He was running again. He was being followed by the other nin. He was entirely aware of that. It was all part of his plan. Because I've decided Naru is going to be smart for a little while.

He ran across the forest floor very quickly. He felt fur beginning to grow in on the sides of his face. He also felt suspiciously smaller...

As for the ninja stalking him, well, they weren't quite as smart. They thought they were being completely inconspicuous. Or at least, Sasuke did. The rest of them were entirely aware that their(his) plan was extremely stupid and that Naruto noticed them. Sasuke was just in denial.

But they continued to follow him, just because his hair was so damn awesome.

* * *

**A/N: Oh yes! uber short chappie, but with some important stuff. Next chapter shall be longer with better events. Also, Gaara does something important for the first time EVUR!! :D (in this story)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Um... i know i said i was gonna have Gaara do something important this chapter, but I don't really remember what that was anymore so... um... Gaggle! :D**

**I own NOTHING!**

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* * *

_

In the Akatsuki lair, all of the members sat in a circle around a table, cards in their hands. They were silent for a while, all staring at each other suspiciously, trying to determine their opponent's emotions.

"Go..." Sasori paused dramatically, "...Fish"

Itachi sighed in frustration and drew yet another card from the deck. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE HAVE ANY THREES?

At that moment, a giant ball of screaming fur and flesh fell from the ceiling and onto their table. It was some kind of weird anthropomorphic fox thing wearing an orange jumpsuit. It screamed "Touch!" as it touched Itachi with some weird amulet.

"How fucking dare you fucking ruin are fucking card game! FUCK!" screamed Hidan.

"Touch!" he touched Deidara with the amulet.

"How the hell did you even get in here? Un" Deidara screamed at him.

"Seriously! Isn't there supposed to be a seal on this place?" Sasori screamed as he was touched. Everyone after that was touched quite fast.

"I blame Kisame!" Kakuzu yelled.

"I second that! Un," Deidara agreed.

Naruto then tried to touch their leader, only to find out he was a hologram. He looked at him in disappointment for a second before spastically waving it around, trying desperately to touch him with it.

"Grah!" He screamed in frustration as he gave up and left the lair.

There was a moment of silence while they all stared at their messed up card game and the spot where Naruto had just been.

"What the flying fuck was that?" Hidan asked.

"I have no idea..." Deidara answered him.

There was another moment of silence before anyone said anything.

"Wait..." Kisame started. "Wasn't that the nine-tails kid?"

"Kisame! Who told you you could talk!" Itachi scolded him.

"Sorry..." he apologized, hanging his head in shame.

"Damn right you're sorry!"

* * *

**Several minutes later in Suna, for some reason...**

"TOUCH!"

"What the hell! Get out of my shower!" Kankuro screamed as Naruto touched him with the amulet. (hmm... the sandsibs seem to enjoy showering quite a bit...)

"What if I like your shower?" Naruto asked.

Kankuro, who was doing everything possible to cover himself, looked extremely disturbed. Also, he was for some reason still wearing his hat and makeup. "This is not a yaoi fic! Now get out!"

"Aww... fine..." Naruto said as exited out the bathroom door, his head hanging in disappointment.

Naruto also touched Temari with the amulet once he got downstairs. Apparently, ninjas have nothing better to do than sit around and take showers.

Naruto walked outside and into Suna's street. He pulled a clipboard out of somewhere... perhaps his ass... and checked off Temari and Kankuro's names from his list of people to turn into animals.

"Well... I guess that's all the important characters being we're not in shippuden, though I am for some reason 16, and all the jonins are all conveniently on some mysterious mission that I don't know the location of," He sighed and sat down on their front step. He was almost a fox now so he sat like one. His clothes were extremely loose and were almost falling off of him. The size of his head had decreased significantly as well and his headband was now around his neck. He looked like a mutant... really... it was kind of gross.

All there was to do now was to wait...

* * *

**Back at the Akutsuki lair...**

They had finally finished painstakingly salvaging their card game and had set back up again. They were again sitting around a circular table, playing the most EPIC game of Go Fish the world has ever seen, when suddenly, their dreams were crushed again when a hideously malformed emo kid fell from the ceiling and destroyed their card game.

"How the fuck do you fucking people keep fucking getting in here!" Hidan screamed.

"He's been here! I can feel it in my guts!" The half emo/half chicken boy screamed in complete disregard to Hidan's question.

"Yeah, I'd say thats kind of obvious," Sakura said as she too fell from the ceiling and landed on their table. "They've all got animal features," she pointed out, gesturing to the very annoyed looking people sitting around the table.

"Yes, but you wouldn't have noticed that had I not pointed it out," Sasuke said, filing his nails.

"I noticed it before you! I'm the one who said to come in here!" Sakura yelled at him.

"Um... hey-"

"Yeah! But that's 'cause you red my mind and new that I was thinking it!" Sasuke defended.

"Look... could you guys-"

"No it's not! And besides! It's 'read' not 'red'!" Sakura corrected.

"Guys could you like-"

"It's just a typo! Get over it!" Sasuke screamed back at her.

"GET OFF OUR FUCKING TABLE! UN!" Deidara screamed at them, finally getting their attention.

The two just kind of stared at them all for a while, not saying anything. Yep... They just stared. Not saying a word... Not even moving... uh huh... that's what went down... Then suddenly, a fat kid with antenna and very tiny butterfly wings fell from the ceiling, landed on top of Sasuke and Sakura, and crushed their table.

"Oh, now look what you did!" Kakuzu said, angrily. "Do you know how much that's gonna cost us? Do you? Huh? DO YOU!"

"I don't know. Maybe like.. twenty bucks to pay some bored teenager to do it?" Sasuke guessed, groaning in the pain from his most likely broken ribs.

"Yes! Twenty bucks! Twenty! Do you know what that's going to do to us financially?" Kankuzu continued.

"I dunno... probably nothing?" Sasuke said.

"EXACTLY!" Kakuzu yelled as loud as he could. "We'll starve to death with that kind of debt!"

"What the hell are you on!" Sasuke screamed at him, grunting in pain from his chest. His awesome, manly chest.

No one said anything, so Sasuke continued talking. Apparently, Sakura was unconscious. "Look, did an annoying fox mutant thing come through here?" he asked.

"Yeah, he went that way," Sasori said, pointing in the direction Naruto had left in with his hand that was now a scorpion claw.

"Thanks," Chouji said, finally getting off them. They all got up and left.

After a few moments of silence, Kisame realized something.

"Hey, Itachi. Wasn't that your brother?"

"Who the hell keeps giving you permission to talk!" Itachi screamed at him.

"Sorry..." he said, again hanging his head in shame.

"Yeah... You'd better be..." Itachi glared at him.

* * *

**Outside the cave...**

"Okay, guys! We now know where we have to go!" Sakura announced, for some reason no longer unconscious.

"Sakura... let me handle this," Sasuke said to her gently. "Okay guys! We now know where we have to go!"

"Alright. Where?" Neji asked, his arms now white wings and his feet now bird feet.

"That way!" Sasuke point in the same direction Sasori had.

"Ah. So he's gone to Suna..." Tenten said, seething slightly.

"Um.. ah... Yes! Because that's the direction Suna's in. And I've always known that." He said.

"No you didn't," Sakura said.

"Shut up, Sakura!"

* * *

**A/N: Hooray! new chapter! Hopefully that wasn't unacceptably short. Please review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Okay so um... this story should hopefully be over within two or three more chapters... I don't even remember what the hell made me start writng it in the first place, but I hope you all enjoy it. **

**Quite Obviously, I Don't Own Naruto**

* * *

At the edge of the forrest, where the Fire country's and Wind country's boundaries met, "Team Sasuke has Sexy Hair" was getting final preparations ready to kick Naruto's ass. Sasuke had come up with their team name, though everyone else really _really _would rather just call themselves "Team Kill Naruto". Sasuke was currently doing most of the work being no one else had any idea what he was planning on doing with 206 banana peels.

So far, he'd peeled about half of them, drawn faces on the peels with sharpie, and sat them just so so that they looked like squid. Sakura's curiosity was killing her for the sake of the plot, so she decided to just ask him.

"What the hell are these all for?" she asked, her hands now pink paws.

"For my ingenious plan of doom," Sasuke said mysteriously.

"And just what is that plan?" Sakura continued, somewhat irritated with Sasuke's vagueness.

"A Nannerpuss army," he answered dramatically.

"A... Nannerpuss... army..." she had officially decided Sasuke was crazy. "What the crap is a Nannerpuss?"

"The most spectacular and powerful beast in the world. In fact, they're so powerful that only I, with my mankegyou sharingan-"

"You don't have a mankegyou sharingan," Sakura pointed out.

"Shut up!" he yelled. "Now, as I was saying, only I can control them. We are going to unleash them on Naruto when we find him and then, oh then, he will know just how _awesome _I am at getting revenge!"

"Couldn't we just beat him up?" she suggested.

Sasuke laughed darkly, and rather arrogantly. "Oh you silly, naive, little girl. You see, Sakura, this is why you aren't the leader. You don't understand the complex power of my awesome brain meat!" Sasuke said, making hand motions around his head to emphasize his intelligence. "You could never ever _ever_- Oh my god! There's a nickel under that tree over there!" Sasuke, with his arms now black wings, started to try and fly, but ended up just flailing and flopping around like a chicken.

Sakura just backed away while he was distracted, slowly and carefully making her way back to the rest of the mutants that had conglomerated in a clearing just far enough away so that Sasuke couldn't hear them. She walked through a bush at the edge of the clearing, the rest of them waiting patiently.

"We need a new plan, don't we." Tenten said, not really asking a question.

"_OH_ yeah..." she answered. No one was expecting any different.

"Alright, everybody. Here's what we're gonna do," Shikamaru started.

"Wait, Shikamaru? Didn't you like... leave or something?" Neji noticed.

"Yeah. I got bored." he continued. "Anyway, I think we should just..." And the scene trails off again to seem cliffhangery. Only this time, I actually know what's going to happen.

* * *

Gaara was being held by Matsuri, kind of like he was a prissy little rat dog, while she shopped for random and completely useless things. Namely scented candles, perfume, body spray, lotion, and soap. And she made Gaara smell. Every. Single. Thing.

"What do you think of this, Gaa-chan?" she asked, holding the trillionth vial of scented liquid to the raccoon's nostrils. He sniffed it, gagged a bit, and answered. "Exactly the same as every other thing you've made me sniff in the past three hours."

"It kind of smells like citrus to me... I don't like citrus. It's gross." she announced.

"Then if you don't like it, why did you make me smell it?" he asked.

"Because I wanted your opinion." she said sweetly.

"But my opinion clearly doesn't matter here," Gaara pointed out.

"How does this smell?" she held another up to his nose.

"Disgusting... Just like your face!" he said angrily.

"I think it smells nice... kind of like tea... but also vanilla..." she said in complete disregard for Gaara's opinion.

"That's probably why it's labeled 'Vanilla Tea'" the raccoon pointed out somewhat sarcastically.

"What about this one?" she asked. However, at that moment, a little yellow-orange fox thing jumped into the shop through the window, smashing random things as it went on a mini rampage. The sounds of broken glass and women shrieking filled the air. A rather large lady in a flowery dress had picked up a broom and started swinging at it. However, she seemed to only be causing further destruction, smashing everything the fox didn't.

Matsuri, however, didn't seem to notice and held yet another bottle up to the raccoon's nose. "How about this?"

"It's still disgusting..." Gaara said blandly, not really caring about the destruction either. The two had been at this perfume sniffing for so long they seemed to be in a bit of a trance. It wasn't until the fox jumped onto the shelf in front of them, running from the crazy fat lady, and smashed all of the perfume bottles. The two finally jumped and moved away from the shattering glass, the woman's broom just missing Matsuri's head.

"Heyy! Gaara!" the fox said excitedly. "There you are! I've been looking all over town for you!"

"Naruto? What the hell are you doing here? And why are you a fox?" Gaara asked in surprise.

"Oh, you know. I found that amulet thing and decided to turn everyone I know and love into an animal," he said nonchalantly.

"Mm. Makes sense." Gaara said, nodding his head.

"Stupid rat! Get out of my shop!" the fat lady screamed as she swatted the broom at Naruto once again, who just narrowly missed it. "We'll talk outside okay?" he said as he jumped out the window and into the street. Matsuri ran out the door with Gaara in her arms to follow meet the fox outside. They noticed when the got out there that just about every shop on the street had been destroyed.

"What the hell did you do!" Gaara and Matsuri said together.

"It took me a few tries to get the right shop, okay!"

* * *

Tsunade stared at the paper seal that lay on her desk, thinking very deeply about whether or not to release it. She'd found it in an old text book she had been looking through. Said paper seal, when released would almost immediately turn back all those touched by the amulet. Of course, they'd turn back in order of which they were turned and there would be a bit of space between them all changing back according to when they were touched by the amulet. This seal, when released, would make a lot of people happy. And so she stared at it, contemplating if she should or not. M'Yep... She just stared at it... just stared...

* * *

**A/N: You know, this story makes me seem like I hate GaaMatsu, when it's really one of my favorite pairings. =/ Oh well. I really wish this was longer, but I can't really go any further right now... Ngh...**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Muhhh! I R ZOMBEHHHH! D:**

* * *

"Okay, so is everyone clear on the plan?" Shikamaru whispered to the circle of anthropomorphic shinobi standing huddled together.

They all answered with a collective, determined "Hai!"

"Good," he said, clapping his hands together, satisfied. "Let's get going then,"

"What, no epic speech or dramatic point in the direction we're headed in?" Sakura asked, mildly disgusted.

Shikamaru just stared at her with a dull expression until she got the point.

"'Kay, anyway," he said turning to the direction of sunagakure, now leading the mob of angry-mutants. They were very careful to evade Sasuke's little clearing of nannerpuss insanity in an attempt to make sure he didn't notice they were gone. Thankfully for them, Sasuke didn't really notice anything besides himself so that was fairly simple.

They barely got a few feet however before a voice came from behind them;

"We want in too,"

The group whirled around to see the entire Akatsuki, all of whom had been horribly disfigured by the amulet.

"But that would mean us helping you catch Naruto, who you've been after for almost the entire series because of the kyuubi. Helping you would just kind of destroy the world," Neji stated.

"Oh please," Itachi started, now with weasel ears and a long, fat tail. "As though this story actually has anything to do with the series,"

"Yeah, I mean really, yeah," Deidara, who now seemed to have yellow wings instead of arms, "Does it really seem like the author has _any_ respect for the canon story line of the series, yeah?"

"Hmm... You do have a point there..." Shikamaru agreed, scratching the base of his newly formed antlers.

"Honestly, we really just want to beat him up right now," Kisame added, who hadn't really changed much accept for the fact that he was now orange instead of blue. (I could totally make a portal reference out of that)

"Kisame! What did I say about talking!" Itachi yelled.

"That it's only for smart people..." Kisame hung his head in shame.

"Good boy," He praised him and tossed a half-eaten fish at him which he promptly caught in his mouth.

"'Tis the food of gods!" he proclaimed after spastically and noisily devouring the fish.

"Yeah, anyway," Shikamaru started. "I already went over the plan and really don't feel like doing it again."

"I'll do it!" Sakura volunteered enthusiastically.

"Fine. Go for it," he sighed. "But do it while we're on our way, alright?"

"Kayy!" she said in that way-too-happy-about-helping-because-she's-an-anime-girl-and-is-therefore-being-forced-to-be-happy-all-the-time-by-japaneese-buisness-men way.

"Alright, now let's get going,"

* * *

_Meanwhile... In Suna..._

"So basically what you're saying is that a mob of violently angry mutant ninjas are chasing after you and trying to kill you because you thought it would be really funny to see them all turn into animals and didn't really feel like imagining what the consequences of your actions might be because you're Naruto and only do things on impulse because it wouldn't be manly if you actually thought your plans through before executing them and you now want me to help you because you know I'm secretly in love with you and will do absolutely anything for you no matter what it is in order to fulfill the needs of my intense and borderline creepy affection that, if you were properly aware of it's extent, would make you really wish you'd never punched me in the face?" Gaara summed up for him in the most horrific run-on sentence you ever did see.

"Yep!" Naruto said happily.

"Meh. Seems rational," he said.

"Alright, so what are we going to do?" Matsuri asked.

"I dunno," the fox said.

"Great... That's always a good thing..." Matsuri said.

"Matsuri! Shush! He's a genius, remember? He'll think of something!" Gaara said in a slightly fangirly fashion that, as always, imposed a much higher intelligence on Naruto than he actually possessed.

"Right, of course," Matsuri agreed hastily, believing every word that came out of his mouth being that she herself imposed a much higher intelligence on Gaara than he actually had.

With all of this misguided affection, Naruto was somehow appointed leader of their team. Yep. Their success was inevitable...

* * *

_Back with Team Kill Naruto..._

As they jumped through some poorly-looped trees for more time then anyone actually cared to see on-screen, something suddenly rushed passed them. It was just a blur of black and white, but the noise sounded distinctly like a flying skateboard... Because those have distinct noises. Obviously.

"What the hell was that?" Tenten asked.

"I'm not sure..." Shikamaru said.

"Whatever it was," Hinata squeaked. "I don't think it was from this anime..."

"Shit, I've fucking seen this before," Hidon said mysteriously. Everyone's attention was now on him. "It's what fucking happens when an fanfiction author gets fucking bored of a fucking fandom and starts thinking about another fucking show while they're writing a fucking fic. That means they're going to fucking start rushing this one,"

"So you mean," Neji paused dramatically, "She got a new obsession and doesn't care about this fic anymore?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what it means, yeah," Deidara replied.

"We'd better hurry. C'mon..." Shikamaru said.

* * *

_With Sasuke..._

Sasuke was done constructing his fantabulous nannerpuss army. It had become quite large quite quickly, with now upwards of 500 nannerpi at his command. He marched back an forth in front of his army, some random stick he'd found under his arm/wing and his nose in the air. He looked like a 5-year-old playing Army General. Well... if five-year-olds were half chicken...

"Men," he started. "We have trained many long hours for this moment. Today... Today is the day, you become heros. Today is the day you show the world what we're made of. Today is the day that we go forth and take our revenge. Today! Oh today! Is the day we will kick Naruto's ass and show him just how sexy and awesome I, the sexy and awesome Uchiha Sasuke, truly am! Today! We show that blond idiot just what it means to be a true bishounen!" He pointed the stick dramatically at the army before him. "Today! We dine in hell!"

As soon as his speech was finished, Sasuke began laughing hysterically and in escalating volume. In his head, the nannerpi cheered for him. In his head, he was awesome. In his head, he was the most fantastic person in the universe.

Oh what a terrifying place his head must be...

* * *

_Team Kill Naruto..._

"How much further?" Sasori asked.

"Not much more... We should be almost to the desert soon," Shikamaru stated.

"Good, 'cause I think I just gained about... four more limbs," He said.

Everyone glanced back at him momentarily. Sasori now had two sets of black, shiny limbs with no hands at the end coated with a hard exoskeleton.

"What the fu-" Tenten started, but smacked face-first into a tree before she could finish her sentence. She fell to the ground. No one seemed to care. At all. Or notice. They kind of just kept going like nothing had happened. She just lay there for a half hour, unconscious, before she woke up again and realized what happened.

"Hello? Anyone?" She called after them when she finally woke up. They were long gone by now and couldn't hear her. "DAMMIT!"

She struggled to sit up, grunting in frustration. She managed to push herself back up onto her hands when a pale hand with a silver skull ring in the middle finger was suddenly in her face.

"Do you need help?" said the person offering it to her.

She looked up to see a teenage boy in a business-suit adorned with black and white stripes on the shoulders and down the front and a silver skull thingy around his neck. He had bright yellow eyes and black hair with a set of three horizontal white stripes on the right side of his head. She realized suddenly who he was. He was the new obsession. And he was beautiful. This was terrible!

"NO!" She swatted his hand away and stood up. "Get out of here! You suck and your hair is stupid and asymmetrical!"

With that, the boy was on the ground, sobbing like a little girl while threatening to kill himself and Tenten was off trying to catch up with the rest of her team.

* * *

**A/N: This fic makes me seem schizophrenic... o.e Oh, and that was Death the Kid incase you couldn't tell. I really like SoulEater lately... I like that its funny and not just constant angst like Naruto is lately, but is still rather dark.**


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